- It means one thing when coming from a friend and something entirely different when coming from a colleague.

- It changes depending on the situation or the person delivering it.

- It can even shift based on our own mindset at the time.

As much as I like to believe I am a level-headed person, I have often found myself feeling offended when receiving criticism. But earlier this year, my young daughter unintentionally challenged me to rethink my relationship with feedback.

A Lesson in Feedback from a Toddler

One evening, my daughter wanted to skip her vegetables and dive straight into dessert. When I refused, she called me a “bad person.” Naturally, I didn’t take her words to heart. Why? Because I was confident that my actions were in her best interest.

You might think my reaction — or lack thereof — was because she’s a toddler. But here is the nuance: if she had complained that her shoes were uncomfortable, I would have taken her feedback seriously. This distinction made me reflect on how we receive feedback. It often depends less on who is giving it and more on what it’s about.

I have noticed that we tend to respond calmly to feedback in areas where we feel a sense of “mastery.” Negative comments in these areas don’t shake our confidence because we trust our expertise. On the other hand, when feedback touches on topics or behaviors where we feel less confident, it stings. Why? Because it aligns with our own insecurities. It’s as if someone has exposed the imposter syndrome we’ve been trying to suppress.

There can be a whole other discussion about receiving feedback from people whose intentions we don’t trust, but for this article, I will focus on feedback from people whose intentions we trust and assume goodwill.

In the latter half of this year, I made a conscious decision to embrace feedback — and even seek it out. Let me share two stories where this shift unlocked personal and professional growth.

Story 1: Feedback from a Client

I was working on analytics for two teams with overlapping needs. Due to past collaboration, I had a closer relationship with one of the team leads and naturally communicated with her more frequently.

However, I decided to seek feedback from the other team lead. She candidly shared that she felt we weren’t working closely enough. For about five seconds, I felt offended. All this time, I had been working tirelessly to provide her team with timely analytical insights and she thought I was not working closely with her..! But then, I recognized something important:

Her criticism carried a wish — for us to work more closely moving forward.

Instead of dwelling on the past, I thanked her for her honesty and asked how we could improve collaboration. She proposed weekly touchpoints, team meetings, and dedicated documentation to address her team’s recurring questions about the analysis.

Implementing her suggestions created a new synergy, strengthening our collaboration and making our work more effective.

Story 2: Feedback from My Boss

This summer, after completing a project, I asked my boss for feedback. He pointed out that my communication style was often direct, which could sometimes come across as close-minded or restrictive to others. He even provided specific examples from the project to illustrate his point.

Initially, I felt offended — though only for about five seconds. My immediate reaction was to defend myself, thinking about how hard I had worked to deliver high-quality results. But once I calmed down and reflected on his words, I realized he might have a valid point. Since then, I have made a conscious effort to be more thoughtful and considerate in my communication. While I am far from perfect, I now approach conversations with greater awareness and adaptability.

Before I make my final case for feedback, let me contrast the above situation with one earlier in the year. where my boss gave me feedback on some training material I created early this year. I had thought long and hard about it, the technical details were right and the level was calibrated to the target audience. But my boss suggested modifying the distribution of the main topics.

Now this feedback did not offend me — it simply felt tedious. Tedious, because as I was making these changes, I knew that once my boss took a look at the revised version, he will agree that my original training plan had a better flow of topics. This is indeed what happened.

Why wasn’t I offended by this feedback? I this it is because it concerned something I had mastery over. I had already put significant thought into the material and felt confident about my decisions. In contrast, feedback about my communication style or working methods touched on areas where I lacked that same sense of mastery.

When we feel unsure or insecure about something, criticism in those areas can sting, as it highlights what we already suspect might be a weakness.

The Value of Feedback

These experiences taught me two important lessons:

1. Seeking feedback can unlock new professional opportunities — as it did with the client.

2. Feedback can lead to personal growth — as it did with my communication style.

Both outcomes are worth the brief moment of discomfort and feeling offended.

Parting Thoughts

Feedback isn’t about judgment — it’s about growth. The next time you receive feedback, pause for five seconds, let the initial sting pass, and see what you can learn.